Unstructured Words

Its anticipating that kills me
Its the headlights streaming by
The emptiness of my hand
Shadows on concrete
Trees in the wind

Its the sound of your voice
And not knowing who's it is
The thought of not seeing
Not knowing, not feeling
Not ever growing up enough

Its the silent backseat
The still car rides home
Thick air and the loud apathy
Streetlamps and stop lights
Night turning to day

Its sleeping beside you
And simply waking up
The sound of your breath
Not touching, not holding
Simply too far away


---------------------------------

I said I didn't belong
And you agreed
Instead of reaching out and making me
My pleas where taken as goodbyes
I never knew they'd come that simply
I just want to be home
But nowhere is home
When home hurts more than the road
I said I was done saying
And you let it be


And that's not what I wanted
Don't you know, silly child
When I say I don't want to talk
That means I do
And when I say I don't belong
Its because I need to be reached

All's I can offer is my tiredness
And possibly that is visible
Frightening and new
Silence isn't so much golden, as it is feared.
And all these things I did were for you
Wasteful it seems now
Wasted these years
To be here, and not know where that is at all.

---------------------------------


Silently tripping along
Till I realize I have no reason to trip
I may have cute shoes
but that's all I have going for me

Happily talking and laughing
Then the thought strikes
The smiles are fake
And the laughings' worn out.

Tunelessly humming a song
Stop abruptly when hit
By realizations that this is all
Going nowhwere fast.

--------------------------------


There's smoke in the air
Doubts in my hair
Trailing down to my fingertips
The fear of never knowing
Never feeling, never growing.

Will I ever know
What if, what next, when?
I just want the end of this
The end of the desert
The rain and rush in the valley

Stars to make my music
Hands to hold, and thoughts to share
Before I have to consider
What song I'll die to

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"...All Deliberate Speed..."
I walked down the hallway
Very deliberate look
But I'm not interpreting glances any more
Had my time with that and failed
Smile lines lean towards trustworthy
Can't decide if I'll see you again
And if I do
If I have the desire to open my mouth
Its when you least expect it
That what you want happens
I guess I'm always expecting
Need to be more blase
Thinking I should be more forward
But loving the idea
Of being pursued
Not having to place what I feel on the line
Its nights that are dark that tug
Its days that are cold that cause grim looks
Sunny days
Are what I live for
And glances are shards of sun
But for the whole orb
I require words
I've never received words
Was that deliberate?

This wooden table
These wooden thoughts

Mesmerised, and thoughtless
The green expanse of grass

These things I can't be pondering
Are what inhabit my mind

The things I need to see
Things that I can't reach

I see you, when I should say prayers
See, my lips can't move

I tried to make the effort
But the effort was too much

So I'll smile through the tangle
Through the crowded web of thoughts.

------------------------------------------------

One whispered look
One glance that screams
One heart that sucks
The life right out of living

One song to write
One tune to play
One person to care for
To cross this nighttime sea

One nonsensical poem to compose
One more paragraph to type
One more lovesick longing
Never to be had for me

One more wasted dream
One more song that reminds
One single tear to escape
The millions I have cried

One more friend to have
One more is just what I needed
One more sarcastic sentence
As formed above.

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Complimentary suggestions
These were what I was made of
Ways to show you
My literal side
Marshmellow thoughts
Oozing outside of
The backyard at night
Singing on the wind
And waiting for you for
Hours
May came and passed
I hated May
Merry laughter carried on
And I almost fell asleep on the sofa
So open to what to feel
The knots and wiggles inside
Forced into calmness
Coolness, aloof
I'll never tell
You what I feel
Unless you ask.
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You were going to
Take care of me the way I thought
That it should happen
The hands and warmth
The smile...the sound of laughter
turned bitter in my ears
The moonlight faltered when I thought
I saw that shooting star
You said to wish
and boy, did I
But it wasn't what it seemed
Just like the spaceship
So "Smile even though its breaking"

-------------------------------------------

Maybe we belong
But did you ever thing of that
Silly little thought that pops
the kernels in the hot pan
of water boiling over
with
Salt water running down my face
isn't what I want to see when I look
at the stars
In the black night
has come and left me alone
You stand with noone near
the train stop waiting
for the rain to stop
sign flashes in my heart
beats quicker when I think
that maybe it could happen
to be tonight that its to be

Listening to purevulome.com....

So should you.

Then it would be as if

We were connected

On more than one level

Music is the ties that bind

My melody of you

Sing me that song again

The one you sang

"You are beautiful
But you don't mean a thing to me"

Its so not true.
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My Golden Goose

Just somehow searching
Just in some way wanting

How the morning comes
Faithfully

Waiting for the moment
The truth

Waiting for desire
To be full

Morning came yesterday
And the day before

Night followed
With quick pursuit

You ran after me
Barely caught my hand
It didn’t meant much
To you

To me it meant the world
The golden goose

And now the night
Lingers on

And the meaning fades
To what it is

Simple lovers dreams
This day

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Piano Falls

Could I say I love you
With the chorus of many
Violins tonight
An orchestra
Of berating thoughts

This evening brings
Your hand on mine
Accidental touch
But a striking brush
Fire starter

Listen to what he said
Said not to let
Imaginations
Drop pianos on your head

Curve of the seat
Whir of your car
The sound in the distance
Trying to place it
In between all the other
Thoughts of you

Letters unsent
Sitting in that cardboard box
Things you sent
See you whereever
I turn

Words tonight
Can fill a space
Open on my shelf
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Cannot Compare

Still she can't
She can't compare
She'll never be
The one to sing to you
Of love
And make you fall in love

She can't have that demeanor
It is not something she posseses
Something she wants
She wants to sing
She wants to tell you
Get the words out

Only on paper, that's when they come
Stuck in her throat
The guitar won't strum
She can't help but
See herself next to them
And see so many gaps
See reasons why it could never be

Questions how she could ever think
That you'd ever want
To hold her close
And listen to her sing
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Closer

Picture the darkness
Of a summer evening
Of bright spotlights shining down
Of you
Standing next to me
Now picture what would occur
If you just placed your arm
Near me

I would bite it off!

No, I should never be
Like that to you
But I should never promise
To not hurt you
Would you want me to?
The night progresses
You're happy
I'm happy
Chill of the air
Excitement arises
The possibilities surround
What shall happen next?
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Ill-fit

I don't care
They say it all
I can't figure
What I think
Into a small paper box
All's I know
Is the here and now
Are what exist
As true as the clouds
Or the carpet in
My room
I feel what I touch
I see eyes
More than I have
When smiles have
Bestowed upon me
Happiness of the grandest sort
I can sit across the table
Not hearing tomorrow's
Sadness in my ears
Just the ocean
Of laughter.
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Mother May I?

Fizzle, frazzled
Love frayed by toddlers
Grubby hands
Mastermind of fathers'
Overprotective hand
Mother warning
To wear a coat
Tuck me in at night
So my feet are warm
Don't eat before sleeping
Dreams are sharper than usual
Making no sense
Words twisted
Do not know what
To say, to write to you
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Swayed

When you think about it
How many there are
Who all you meet
Makes me paranoid
As though I am
On drugs

Not that I know
What that's truly similar to
But I imagine
[boy do I]
Mainly at night
In the car
I see things sway

Mornings come and days go
Time passing
I hear what someone says
And think to myself
Its all going to be okay
Someday it just might
But I still worry
I still look behind us
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Heart My Hurt

Tell me once
Just in few words
No need to prolong
Poems not required
Just wondering
Its late
The time I get
Emotional
Here all alone
In my room
With words in front of me
Simplistic "yes"
Or sad little "no"
Heart my hurt
Or be estatic
But if its not to be you
Then I'd like to know
To meet who it
Will be
To save my laughs
And words,
Yes, even my tears
For him.
Please God
Just grant me this one
Question
Should I ask
Or should I fade
Now I lay me down
To sleep....
I always analyze way too
Much.

Shiver runs through it
As Jello
Jiggle your way through it
Smile with diamond teeth
Grin to bare it
Tonight
Its time to be happy
Sing me that song once again
For the millionth time
My favorite
Your voice well sung
Capture my smile
Hold it in your arms
Overflowing
Like yesterday
On the sofa
Your voice it spoke
To me of winter long past
It said things
Made me laugh as never before
Sing me again
The beauty of life
I’ll be happy once moreTonight on the sofa.

World goes on
Endless crush
Eyes roaming for hope
Dreams to be filled
Standstill
In center of traffic
Light is yellow
Time to slow
Creeping halt
Mixture of sounds
Happy motorists
And the ones who talk
On cell phones
Don't use turn signals
Angry frustration
When no arrows point
Which way is up
Today, yesterday, or tomorrow
Light switches to red
Before changing to green
Green has never come
Land of eternal 25 miles per hour
Cautious and slow
Driving towards the edge
Want to head right off the cliff
Parachute open
Your arms catch me
M'kay?
EmO Jan. 2005

Wish I knew
How to interrupt
Life as it is
And tear the bloom
For damage has to happen
So healing can occur
I wish I could confide
Pull you aside
Don't know how to go about it
Shed light on what is dark
Hard to talk when we never do
Broach a subject
We try so hard to hide
If I had a one-liner
And opening, I'd do it
To hell with the consequences
To hell with what you think of me
If I could think of
Words to tell you
And not recieve a scathing glance
All would be okay
In the end
I would have done my part.

Oh you're too kind
Plastic goggles hiding
Fizzed up ginger ale eyes
Heels trodden on
By the metallic ring of
The shopping cart
Aisle five is uncharted territory
It shelves canned soup
And extra hopes
Expired last year
But sitting in the pantry
Waiting for a beloved can opener
Prince Charming with noodles
Lunchtime passes
The placemat empty
Stars come out
The pots simmer
Dishes in the sink
No soap bubbles tonight
They're gone like the stars
I wish I was in aisle 5
Again

Crumpled grayness
Fuzzy paper edges
[You know how that is]
Wear brings frayed ends
Can be taped
But not made as new
Rightness is never to be had
[Again]
Once change is set in motion
The snow keeps coming
Condition is harder to guess
Whiteout. Missing you.
[Around the edges]
My paper is creased
Folded inside and out
Its my fingers, bent backwards
Reaching, waiting
[Hurting for you]
Empty eye sockets
Frosted shut, and windburnt
Able, but so unwilling to see
[I told you so.]
It always ends like this
You see colors that aren't there
I see feelings emerge
A clash of red and fury
[Its how you feel again.]

Stillness creeps
As vine with leaf
No rhyme, no reason
It lifts and breezes
Stillness, darkness
Silence night
Evening vanished
Behind midnight’s mask
Night is here
To hurt my ears
Quiet whispers
Screaming thus
In my heart
My head
My lungs
Bed is empty
Of all but my body
Lonely, still
Drifting somewhere
Just not here
Floating, hoping
To be gone
When morning dawns
Pale light streams in
Wake up to eyes
To occupied hand
Mirrored self image
Happy and bright
At peace with still life
Content with cool sheets
With solitude
Life
Then I wake from a dream.
Em O. 12.29.04

Make it lonely
Time to talk again
Circle of friend never ending
Whispers as thin
As cigarette smoke.
Smiles as sweet
As candy coated M&M's
False as lies of yesterday
Still lies today
Stillness in your eyes
Was there ever anything more
In your coated heart?
Sunday comes and goes
As does my friendship
Sunday friend
God despises you
As do I.

-Em O. 12.31.04

Em O. 12.15.04

I saw a face,
For a moment, forgot to inhale.
I heard a laugh,
For a while, I laughed too.
I felt an existence,
For friendship and more.
A back was turned,
So near, yet so far.
Right in front of me,
You held a hand.
It wasn't mine, and my heart hurt.

Why did this happen?
Why did it end?
If I was dreaming, I want it back.
If you were wrong,
Then make it right.
Make it right.

Everything's different,
They tag along, crowding the space.
Never alone,
We never talk, we just joke.
Tip-toeing around,
Serious questions, complex emotions.
I feel a wall,
Rigid, between us.
It all seems so fake,
Why do we try, it just makes me hurt.

...In a little cafe...with someone...somewhere...other than here...

This is not a poem....its just me. Writing.

I want a checkered tablecloth...and a glass ketchup bottle.....it would open a whole new realm of possibilities.